Subject: [bridge] bomb threats
Date: Thu, 27 Sep 2001 14:02:47 -0700
From: Hugh Genin
To: bridge
BREAKING NEWS
Sep. 27, 2001 - Pink Palace, Mountain View Ending weeks of uncertainty and suspicion, terrorist groups have finally come forward to claim responsibility for the large red stain in the Pink Palace carpet. Rebels from a hitherto-unknown organization, the self-proclaimed right-wing "People's Front for the Liberation of M&Ms" (PFLMM), as well as representatives from the conservative "Guardians of the Pink Palace" (GPP) have both issued press releases claiming responsibility for the August 7th explosion of a Fierce Berry Gatorade bomb on an area of carpet just south of the couch. "We have struck a blow for freedom," claimed the PFLMM. "We will free all M&Ms of all colors and creeds - the reds, all the greens, all the blues, all the yellows, even the browns that aren't in as much danger because nobody really likes them anyway. The scarlet spot on the Pink Palace carpet represents the blood of all our brothers who have lost their crunchy shells and their delicious, sweet innards under the oppressive regime of the Pink Palace." However, the GPP soon afterwards held a press conference in which masked rebel representatives claimed sole responsibility for the attack. "Others might have you believe that the Pink Palace was attacked and damaged in the name of snack freedom. They lie!" In a bold, dramatic demonstration, the GPP representatives were each given handfuls of M&Ms to hold for a tense, silent minute. At the end of this minute they raised up their palms, revealing streaks of yellow, green, blue and red. "'Melt in your mouth, not in your hands', they claim. Well, look now at how you have been deceived!" The GPP went on to say: "We, the Guardians of the Pink Palace, the wardens of all that is holy and right, have achieved this mighty victory in the name of burrito emancipation. We are the only warriors with the cojones to carry this war to the home front of our enemy." Several left-wing groups quickly issued fiery rebuttals to the terrorists' announcements. The "Pink Palace Guardians" (PPG), who have never accepted the right of other groups to use names that sound like theirs, stated that "the infidels who dare to associate themselves with the holy name of 'Pink Palace' will all be enslaved and force-fed jelly beans that taste like ass until such time as they embrace the one true dinner, divine oatmeal." The far-left "Palace Guardians in Pink" (PGP) had this to say: "We disclaim any relation whatsoever with the terrorists who have bombed the Pink Palace carpet. We utterly reject violence, and though we will continue to strive for freedom for our carrot comrades, we do not in any way condone this carpet bombing." Officials from the Pink Palace had this to say: "Our carpets may be bombed; our jokes may completely bomb; and our 6-no-trump contracts may go down in flames; but we will persevere. Bridge, 8:00 pm tonight at the Pink Palace." |
